I rly do not wish to stay sober.

i'll never forget how you cheer me up by saying the 3 words i always yearn to hear when y'know i'm upset. cuz it will always make me smile.

and even way before, you will always tell me, you wna me to stay happy.

"

i guess if this will be last post to address how i feel...

i do not know whether you're reading it or not but yeah. i guess i just had to post this up.

months had passed since we brokeup.
but no matter how, I'm still living in the shadow of the r/s.
i'll always be crying, affected and worried bout any tiny matter that concerns you.

whether are you taking gd care of yourself by not drinking too much/ how are you when you fell sick and many more..

i'm do not have any rights to question or tell you what to do and how i feel from the moment we brokeup.
but all along, i rly care and still am.

from a happy-go-lucky person,
i've turned to become someone that is easily jealous, sensitive, paranoid and many more negative characteristics you can name.

after the incident where you rly told me i'm wasting your time and disturbing you.
i lost all courage to even talk to you and ask you out.
perhaps that's what you want, idk.

previously, my Ahmah passed away too suddenly.
i got so so affected that i rly wish you're with me when i was going thru all that pain of loss.
but that's just part of my wishful thinking.
it will nvr be, i've got that idea clear in my mind.

there were a few times you asked me to take care and stuff.
i do not know how to tell you how much i appreciate all these concerns.
but i guess all the concern you've for me stops after everything(funeral) ended.

till that day where i rly got myself real high on the alcohol, i get to know how much i've bottled inside me.
all the depressed emotions and moods.
it was probably a release that i could let go of myself and cry out all of my unhappiness.

after that day, i thought i was moving along fine after listening to all the advices..

however, when i realised you'd untagged yourself in all the photos we had taken tgt, i got so affected again.

idk why am i feeling all these.

aren't i set on moving on?
argh..

i know you may be thinking,
we're totally not possible anymore.

but the problem lies in me that i still believe we can.
maybe, i'm afraid that i'll regret if i move on well.
but i guess i've to, when you aren't even interested anymore.

seriously, i wish i know how you're feeling for me for this whole while.
be it positive or negative, i just wna know the truth.
but deep within i know, you'll not open up to me.
so how? all i can do now is to hope and move on.

be it the concern, the love and money you spent on me.
i'm rly thankful for what you'd done for me previously.

do rmb, life may suck.
but i'm here, always staying by you.
plz be happy.

i may never be that someone who made or left a strong impact in your life, but you did in mine.

take care.